Let me first start off with a disclaimer; this is in no way to gain sympathy or support or fish for compliments. I don't generally like to post about these feelings I get however recently they've been dragging me down and hindering my performance with cosplaying and life in general.
I'm going through a bit of a rut and self doubt. I am overly appreciative of all the support and love I have received through all my followers, watchers and friends. I have no idea why I would continue making cosplays without you guys having my back. It quite literally means the world to me.
As of late, however I've felt very down about my skills as a costumer and seamstress. I'm afraid my work is subpar and quite honestly half assed to look good on camera but under scrutiny my craftsmanship falls to below the standards I feel a lot of people think I'm at.
My costumes are my life, pride and joy, but lately I've been critical of how much I hate my work. In a picture, yes my cosplays can pass off and sometimes look appealing. But in reality I usually feel inadequate and unworthy of compliments because I know how I made it, and I my expectations for my own work are extremely high.
I appreciate all the encouraging words and love everyone has extended to me, you have no idea how much that has helped my move on from a lot of my self esteem issues, but as of late I feel like crap and thus I feel like my work is crap. I want to be able to say I am proud of a costume I have sewn, and be proud of how it turns out.
When I receive a compliment I always look for that flaw that allows me not to accept the compliment. I have very few costumes that I actually feel good receiving credit for. Otherwise I really just feel utterly and completely unimpressed with myself. And I feel guilty. I feel guilt to have these thoughts and feelings about my work when so many people have faith and unending support for me.
For example; my work on my Lady Loki costume thus far has really been dragging my through the gutter. I feel terrible every time I start working on it. I must have redone pieces 20-30 times and it's literally driving me insane that I keep falling short of my own expectations for this costume. I feel unworthy to receive kind words and I have that little nagging voice in my head who repeatedly tells me how horrible and inferior I am.
I rarely feel 100% about costumes I have made. The few that I am extremely proud of I can openly admit I love and have no regrets with the costume. And then all the others I just feel under average.
In the end, I guess it's just the fact that I know my costumes are not perfect. I'm not perfect. I don't create perfect work, I have flaws in what I make and how I make them. Which is ok. It's something I can choose to improve at or just learn to accept about myself.
I know that this is my own hyper self criticism at work, but it's still getting to me in all aspects of my life. With my relationships, my job and even my day to day functions.
I guess this is more of just a rant of all the stuff that's been racing through my head as of late, so in no way do I expect people to respond or to encourage me. It's one of those things where I have to speak out loud so it can slowly lose it's power over me.
I just want to say, thank you. To everyone who has made the journey with me this far and has faith in me. Thank you to all the wonderful people who believe in me when I really fail to believe in myself. With Wondercon coming up I really hope I don't disappoint anyone and I can enjoy my time in costume without the critic in my head ruining the fun I want to have.
<3 I love you all. <3
`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More
Sta.sh
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this journal 
We all experiance these feelings, the crippling self doubt, but remember,and i can only speak for myself, but I wouldnt follow you on both Deviantart and Tumblr if I didnt think you were skilled.
And also I believe it was The Batman who said "artwork is never complete, only abandonded"
~your fan, Chris
You were one of the first cosplayers I really found on DA, you also were an example of someone who was open about their nerdiness and the like in a way I wasn't at the time, which inspired me to be as well
And I'm no where as...say..."professional" (for the lack of a better term), so I have different views on some things. However, I can say this: You look GREAT...AWESOME even. Don't you ever doubt that.
You feel bad about yourself? You shouldn't. Could you be better? Sure. We all could be better, no matter who you are.
Now take this as you will, as you are a very attractive woman, with a good personality. Honestly? As long as you don't get worse, that is probably the most "perfect" you can get.
Strive for these better things, but don't let this strive turn to obsession, as that leads to imperfection, tearing apart what you know, and leading you to dissect who you are, causing a evolution, that can be harmful to yourself and others. As the more you tear yourself apart, the more others around you will notice how wounded your personality is, until you become nothing but a scabbed over wound, shelling over the person you once where. As long as you have hopes, dreams, ambition? You are fine. Be who you are. What you are. Nothing more, nothing less.
Your mind will always play tricks on you, of course you want things to be perfect and at the highest standard, but sometimes you have to let it go and find once again the fun and the joy cosplaying gives you. Again easy to say but not easy to do i know but the whole thing is meant for you to have some fun, so have fun making your costumes and make it as good as you can and people will love it im sure.
I don't talk to you nearly as much as I'd like to. You're such an amazing cosplayer, and a wonderful person, and I guess that intimidates me a little. I know you're not perfect and that your cosplays probably aren't perfect either, but when I look at you I can't help but think you are.
Again, I wish there was more I could do than just write this to you, but I can't really think of anything else. I hope you're able to get through this and remember that cosplaying isn't about being as good as anyone else, it's simply about having fun pretending you're a character you love, and getting to meet amazing people.
<3
My dear, I wont give you compliments on this. I will simply remind you that YOU are your own worst critic. I know it is hard to get over low self esteem. I, myself have fought with it. I am slowly getting to a point where I can look past my faults and accept them as an evolving art.
Flaws: I would hope you take this in good light. Flaws is art. Everything you can see around you will have some flaw. And the way we accept the way objects look is perception.
With that being said, while you perceive flaws in your work, others perceive a masterpiece. I know it is hard to dismiss perception. I am also aware that it is hard to accept compliments on works that you feel inferior, but do understand that you have many admirers.
It was said in old law, if you have three or more people who say they witnessed an action, it was accepted by law as truth. Look at all your watchers, all your admirers, and all your friends. By law, your work in incredible, you are gorgeous and you are an awesome person. Never forget that and accept it as law. If it took three to witness something as truth, how much more so does 2,643?