Let me first start off with a disclaimer; this is in no way to gain sympathy or support or fish for compliments. I don't generally like to post about these feelings I get however recently they've been dragging me down and hindering my performance with cosplaying and life in general.
I'm going through a bit of a rut and self doubt. I am overly appreciative of all the support and love I have received through all my followers, watchers and friends. I have no idea why I would continue making cosplays without you guys having my back. It quite literally means the world to me.
As of late, however I've felt very down about my skills as a costumer and seamstress. I'm afraid my work is subpar and quite honestly half assed to look good on camera but under scrutiny my craftsmanship falls to below the standards I feel a lot of people think I'm at.
My costumes are my life, pride and joy, but lately I've been critical of how much I hate my work. In a picture, yes my cosplays can pass off and sometimes look appealing. But in reality I usually feel inadequate and unworthy of compliments because I know how I made it, and I my expectations for my own work are extremely high.
I appreciate all the encouraging words and love everyone has extended to me, you have no idea how much that has helped my move on from a lot of my self esteem issues, but as of late I feel like crap and thus I feel like my work is crap. I want to be able to say I am proud of a costume I have sewn, and be proud of how it turns out.
When I receive a compliment I always look for that flaw that allows me not to accept the compliment. I have very few costumes that I actually feel good receiving credit for. Otherwise I really just feel utterly and completely unimpressed with myself. And I feel guilty. I feel guilt to have these thoughts and feelings about my work when so many people have faith and unending support for me.
For example; my work on my Lady Loki costume thus far has really been dragging my through the gutter. I feel terrible every time I start working on it. I must have redone pieces 20-30 times and it's literally driving me insane that I keep falling short of my own expectations for this costume. I feel unworthy to receive kind words and I have that little nagging voice in my head who repeatedly tells me how horrible and inferior I am.
I rarely feel 100% about costumes I have made. The few that I am extremely proud of I can openly admit I love and have no regrets with the costume. And then all the others I just feel under average.
In the end, I guess it's just the fact that I know my costumes are not perfect. I'm not perfect. I don't create perfect work, I have flaws in what I make and how I make them. Which is ok. It's something I can choose to improve at or just learn to accept about myself.
I know that this is my own hyper self criticism at work, but it's still getting to me in all aspects of my life. With my relationships, my job and even my day to day functions.
I guess this is more of just a rant of all the stuff that's been racing through my head as of late, so in no way do I expect people to respond or to encourage me. It's one of those things where I have to speak out loud so it can slowly lose it's power over me.
I just want to say, thank you. To everyone who has made the journey with me this far and has faith in me. Thank you to all the wonderful people who believe in me when I really fail to believe in myself. With Wondercon coming up I really hope I don't disappoint anyone and I can enjoy my time in costume without the critic in my head ruining the fun I want to have.
<3 I love you all. <3